SAUSAGE CART

The Little Dot

2012-02-15T09:10:00.001-05:00

Profound? Yes. Esoteric? Of course. The search for life beyond this planet is in its infancy. But we know now what we're targeting. An earth like planet. This seems to me the natural progression of human exploration. First, simply find a place where we can go that gives us a chance at survival beyond earth. This should be NASA's calling and it very well could be based on all the news releases I've seen of late about inhabitable planets. Here's what I'm thinking happens next.

Step 1: Find a planet that's close
Step 2: Figure out how to get there within a reasonable time frame
Step 3: Don't forget your towel (I hope you got this reference)
Step 4: Engage (compliments of Cpt Picard)
Step 5: Land without getting shot out of the sky
Step 6: Give the residents of the new planet a reason not to kill the explorers. For example, take a page out of Columbus's book and pretend we're god.
Step 7: Annihilate the existing population shortly after they show us how to survive on their planet
Step 8: Celebrate by way of national anthems and sporting events

That shit works dude, trust me, I remember my history classes.

This all comes down to propulsion. Propulsion is the key. Oh and ridiculously good armor to defend against space junk while you're traveling near light speed. A friggin particle of sand might as well be an atom bomb against the hull of a space craft.

Shit, who am I kidding. We need shields and cloaking ability. Without that, we're screwed. I would love to present my opinion in front of the grand counsel of NASA peeps. They might be the only ones that dig my sci-fi perspective.

Talent Scout Shout Out - Emma Kenney

2012-02-14T00:10:00.004-05:00

Emma Kenney is currently amongst the cast members of Shameless on Showtime. She plays Debbie Gallagher.

There's a lot of talent on this show. Obviously William H Macy is awesome. Emmy Rossum is pretty good but she's pretty well established already. The other siblings are good too but they aren't required to portray so much range of emotion that Emma Kenney has to. She is often pressured by handling adult situations with little guidance and when you couple that with her character's innate sense of anxiety about all things in life, you've a got a tough character to portray and she does it very well.

Additionally, it seems to me that there's a trend in Hollywood to produce big money rom-coms that call for cute effective girls to play daughters or niece's. Basically I'm saying her best career path should mirror Dakota Fanning if everything works out for her.

Before you know it, she'll be celebrated like a Nobel Peace Prize winner at awards shows and she'll act like she could have never seen it coming. Yes, that's right, I'm talking to you Streep.

If you'd like to see the other Talent Scout Shout Outs, see below

Do You, Like, Know Anything About Computers?

2012-02-13T23:34:00.004-05:00

I wish I knew how to add a song to this video. Not that I know which song I'd put in here but either way, it needs one. That is all.

The Contents of This Picture Cost Me 100 Smackaroos

2012-02-13T23:22:00.000-05:00

Do you see how sad and concerned Thomas the Train Engine is? Well that sums up how I felt writing a check to a tv repair guy who came to my house and fixed my tv by changing a freakin setting.

I came home one day and noticed that the picture quality had diminished significantly. My first thought was "Oh crap, I read these horror stories in the comment section on amazon about these big lcd tv's. The light or the power source or whatever shits the bed and the tv has to be repaired or scrapped." But I figured there was a glimmer of hope that maybe Drew was messing with the controller and changed a setting. Maybe the brightness or contrast or something. I went through all of them, searched all over the tv menu looking for some way to rectify the problem. No luck. So I called Samsung and they tried to trouble shoot the problem over the phone with me. They didn't know what it was so they gave me a number for a local tv repair guy. Called him, he never returned my call. Whatevs. So I called another dude who showed up the next day. He proceeded to take apart the tv, test all these different things with his diagnostic equipment and couldn't come up with anything. So he made a phone call to Samsung at which point they told him to check the Energy Saving menu to make sure it wasn't on low or medium or high, just off. It was on low. So the dude changed it to off and voila, problem solved, 100 bucks please.

So I don't know if I'm stupid, if the repair guy is stupid for not knowing this is a common cause of dimming on Samsung tv's and just communicated that fact to me over the phone or if Samsung is retarded for not telling me over the phone when I tried to get them to fix it for me. Anyway you cut it, let it serve as a cautionary tale to you Cart regulars.

Oh and another thing, turns out the light source on these tv's use as much energy as 1 freakin light bulb, no energy savings necessary thank you. Heck, maybe I should blame all the hyper scared energy conservation types that probably pushed Samsung to add this ridiculous feature to begin with.

Meryl Streep is So Talented!

2012-02-12T20:58:00.000-05:00

I. Can't. Stand. Meryl Streep. Her shtick doesn't work on me. I can smell the bullshit all the way across the Atlantic. "OHH! Woh-is-me! Another award!? Take my purse. Oh! My shoe fell off! Someone get it. I'm flummoxed and out of breadth! I didn't see this coming at all!" She reminds me of that kid in high school that always stressed out about a test, claimed he/she failed and then aces the fuckin thing and acts all surprised. To Meryl Streep I say this: stop acting for one freakin second and start behaving like an adult you fraud.

The real Meryl Streep hands her purse to the first person she sees because she realizes she doesn't want to hold it anymore. The real Meryl Streep loses her shoe and points at it to the first person she sees, barking a gestured order at him. F Meryl Streep.

On Whitney Houston

2012-02-12T00:31:00.000-05:00

I keep a file in my brain with the name 'celebrity deaths'. For me, the most disappointing celebrity death (so far) was Heath Ledger. I did some quick reflecting and I decided that the reason why its so disappointing is because he was rounding into the prime of his career and I was genuinely looking forward to seeing his movies. He entertained me. It's wildly selfish but realistically, that's the purpose a performer serves to me.

From a life and death perspective, obviously it's unfortunate and sad that Houston passed. But, in the end, I can't help but think, with all that talent, why hasn't she been performing? Seems like a waste. Her vocal control, in every octave, is absurd. I can't imagine she just lost her touch. She just lost her way.

The Bourne Legacy Trailer

2012-02-08T22:36:00.002-05:00

Here's The Bourne Legacy trailer. No more Matt Damon. Jeremy Renner instead.

Renner is on some kinda hot streak right now.

Ya know what sucked about the Bourne movies. The fight sequences were terrible. I never heard anyone complain about them but they definitely sucked. They mostly did that shaky camera thing, which is the fucking worst by the way. Who do the movie people think they're kidding with that move. They were doing that shit on the original Star Trek series to portray distress to the Enterprise and it was executed better then than it is now. Anyway, hopefully they won't do that shit in this new Bourne movie.

Iron Sky Trailer

2012-02-08T22:18:00.001-05:00

I came across a shorter 'graphics-only-no-actors' trailer for this movie several months ago and I ignored it because I couldn't tell if it was a joke or a legit movie. Now we know I guess, check it out.

And now that I know it's a real movie, I don't know what to make of it. It has action, sci-fi (the good kind), originality, creativity, all the makings of an entertaining movie. BUT, it has that weird humor component that turns me off. I dunno, I'll revisit this after I see it.

Action Figure Duel

2012-02-08T21:44:00.003-05:00

Per usual, Patrick Stewart demonstrates his cool. And, per usual, Liam Neeson is weird about things.

Not even sure why I have that impression about Liam Neeson. I think it's just a collective impression based on small exposures to his personality over a long period of time. The dude is sittin there big timing everyone. Settle dude, just settle. It's funny.

Geico Commercial

2012-02-07T20:58:00.001-05:00

Ew. Seriously? So gross.

.

Good commersh. This would probably work on me. Geico should make an Ew. Seriously? So Gross app. Take a picture of your food and if the three girls sound off, you can't have it. That little nugget is free Geico, next time I'm sending you a bill.

D Does Standup

2012-02-06T20:10:00.002-05:00

Not sure if this clip is from an episode or what, I've never seen it before. Good stuff. D really does that puke face to perfection.

Superbowl Take

2012-02-06T00:08:00.001-05:00

Coming into this game, I had more anxiety than I've ever felt before a championship game. And as a fan and avid viewer of all four of the major sports teams in boston, I've had the pleasure of experiencing those pre game jitters many time over the last decade plus. This one was different because the number of chances that the Brady and Belichick combo have left to grab another title is dwindling quickly. Having that one more championship cements their collective legacy as arguably the best quarterback in the history of the sport and the best coach as well. So this was a disappointing loss to say the least because now there are only two paths that can be taken for Brady and Belichick, you either win one more and all is forgotten or you don't and we're talking about a program that had a good run but couldn't quite reach the highest echelon of sports elite.

So, as a fan, where do I go from here? Do I shove my hands in my pockets, lower my head and slowly kick rocks down the street for the next 4 years while I mumble under my breath about what we could've been? Or do I embrace the Patriot mantra that we win as a team and we lose as a team? I say choice B. We rest up, clear our minds and then get ready for next season. Because the slate is cleared and we have the right pieces to make another run. There is a silver lining in this cloud and that lining tells us that it's not over, it's just a bump in the road. All they need is one more super bowl victory, no matter what happened here tonight or back in '07. Another championship and greatness is achieved.

I think the shittiest thing about this loss is that now I gotta wait 7 months before I get to jump on this crazy ride again.

And that's probably the last thing I'm going to say about that.

Important Dickerson Update

2012-02-03T19:52:00.001-05:00

From Chad Finn at the Boston.com: Greg Dickerson, the reliable sideline reporter on Comcast SportsNet New England’s Celtics telecasts, has never tried to hide his affinity for the team or his appreciation for his job.

For him to miss a significant amount of time, as he has this season, viewers might presume it was because of a serious matter.

It was. Two days before the Celtics’ Christmas Day opener in New York, Dickerson suffered a major seizure. After meeting with neurologists and other doctors, he was diagnosed with epilepsy. Upon returning to the sideline, he suffered a second, milder seizure Jan. 18 as the Celtics hosted the Raptors and had to leave the game.

“It’s been tough,’’ said Dickerson. “I deal with other neurological illnesses that I live through. It’s not like it completely came out of the blue. Still, it was . . .

“I’m not much of a hospital person, and to have an attack at a game, that was especially frightening. It’s kind of good to know what it is, that I can get medicated for it and take care of myself.’’

Dickerson returned to duty Tuesday night and expects to work a full schedule the rest of the season. He finds something of a silver lining in his situation.

“I was tested for a tumor and multiple sclerosis,’’ he said, “so this is not the worst thing in the world, though it is troublesome.’’

Still, he acknowledges the cruel Catch-22 nature of his situation: His attacks can be triggered by anxiety, but how is he not supposed to worry about it?

“It’s this mad circle,’’ he said. “If you don’t stress about it, you don’t think about it, you don’t worry about it, it helps, but of course you’re going to stress about it, think about it, worry about it.’’

He hopes being back on the sideline will provide some peace of mind.

“I have a massive appreciation for my job,’’ said Dickerson, who was quick to praise Kyle Draper for stepping in for him. “I just love doing it.

“Not being there in general was very hard. Not being around the people I work with and the team, if it’s possible, it made me appreciate it even more.

“Knock on wood, I’ll never have another issue.’’

________________________________________________________________

As I've mentioned before, I'm a big Dickerson fan. I'm glad to hear the dude is alright. His hiatus was so long I thought for sure he had a meltdown or something worse. He's a pretty intense dude and he takes his gig seriously. Anyway, like I always say, no one watches the Celtics but me so I doubt anyone noticed.

Side note: To be honest, and I don't know if this is appropriate or what, but every time I watch Dickerson now I'm thinking he's going to cease right there on the air.

--Thanks to BM who tipped me off on this Dickerson update from the Globe.

So Wait, Who Played the Young Indiana Jones?

2012-01-29T23:49:00.000-05:00

So I watched that Joaquin Phoenix movie I'm Still Here. But before it even started I noticed a slight error in the description of the movie.

I gotta say, this wasn't bad at all. If it IS a hoax, I think it was pretty well done and worth watching just for that reason. If it isn't, than it's actually a pretty good documentary. All in all a weird experience, possibly a candidate for strange movies and shows somewhere down the line. Anyway, either way you cut it, River Phoenix was not involved in this production since he's dead.

KG Post Game Interview

2012-01-27T13:11:00.000-05:00

So uhh, anyone gonna watch the Celtics with me or what? No Rondo, no Allen, no Jermaine (I guess) and they come back from 27 down to beat Orlando AGAIN. What the heck else are you gonna do? Watch Bones?

This One's a Keeper

2012-01-26T00:07:00.001-05:00

For some reason, I find this video hilarious. I'd try to explain why but I'm pretty sure it would fall on deaf ears. I think it's one of those vids that has way more to do with subjects involved than the actual content.

So here's to you E, for snagging a keeper. Shit does E even come here anymore? Well, if not I got all kinds of material I can throw on here with him as the primary subject.

Don't worry, I'll privatize the video in a day or two.

Strange Movies and Shows - The Fifth Element

2012-01-24T23:07:00.000-05:00

Another no-brainer that I can't believe took this long to post. The Fifth Element is right outside my wheel house. Like many other movies produced in the 90's (examples would be here if I tried harder), The Fifth Element is an action drama with a little too much humor and silliness. In other words, how awesome would it be if Christopher Nolan directed the remake? How much better is the current Batman franchise than the first go around? How much better do you think the Andrew Garfield led Spider Man franchise will be than the Tobey Maguire versions? Take the silliness out and you've got a really intense pulse pounder that doesn't include a style of humor that is as distracting as an untimely cell phone ring.

To its credit, The Fifth Element had a lot of elements I really liked. Gary Oldman was fantastic per usual. The cinematography was creative and novel and the casting was pretty spot on considering what they were going for.

Budget: 90 Mil
Gross: 185.8 Mil

Here are some characters I liked:

Still regularly use the 'Gimmie the cashhhhh' line

Brion James

Charlie Creed-Miles. Dude hasn't made it big but he was good in TFE.

These things were just kinda cool I thought.

The Fhloston Paradise Cruise Ship. Interesting factoid, it was actually captained by Francesco Schettino. Who knew.

You Call It, Tragedy or Miracle?

2012-01-23T23:29:00.002-05:00

Just watch it.

That must have been the worst 60 seconds in that dudes life. As for the dog, he was probably like "let's do it again!"

Must See Bat Video

2012-01-23T15:50:00.003-05:00

Let me quickly describe what would have happened to me had I been working on that roof.

Step 1: Flip over clay tile
Step 2: Bats flying everywhere
Step 3: I jump off roof
Step 4: Dead

Dude, Settle

2012-01-20T23:06:00.002-05:00

Just settle down....alright? Just, hey! Calm down....it's ok....hey! Bah, fuck it.

I'll Be Doing This

2012-01-20T22:46:00.002-05:00

From me (reddit) to you, thank me later.

Newt Gingrich

2012-01-19T22:21:00.000-05:00

I've posted about Palin, Perry, Bachmann, and Cain. They've all dropped out of the race. Well done so far. Now it's Newt's turn.

Newt is dangerous. He could very well be the best spin doctor in DC. He's been around forever and he knows how to capture an audience and influence opinion. But Newt reminds me of a Roman emperor or an old English king. The rumors and stories that come out from time to time over the years all seem to indicate that the dude has zero moral compass whatsoever. He seems like one of these guys that believes that his power entitles him to whatever and who ever he wants, much like a emperor or a king. I don't know much about his politics but I would be willing to bet that We, The People don't factor in his decisions.

Also, how bout a little professional courtesy there Newt. John King has two choices.

1. Don't bring it up. This would effectively communicate to the country that CNN is a Newt supporter. Even though they aren't.
2. Do bring it up. Give Newt an opportunity to respond and deny it. A simple thank you will do.

I'm quite sure John King has worked hard and earned his way to one of the most prestigious duties you can have as a journalist, moderating a Presidential debate. So be a professional Newt. Or...or what....maybe you're deflecting. You sly dog you! You can't put one over on all Bolzy though.

Grumpy Old (Young) Man

2012-01-19T21:56:00.002-05:00

I take issue with you sir. First of all, you bought the original authentic sign dude. What's worse is that you couldn't even take it with you so you took it apart and threw most of it away. Idiot. Second, this country has a massive economic shortage, selling over priced signs is not a problem here. Third, if you have such a problem with it, refurbish the sign for them and charge 'em 15K for it. That's the American way right there. Fourth, no one gives a shit that you know when a font was invented. Talk about the most useless piece of information ever. Fifth, I'm willing to make a hefty wager that your real problem is that Russian immigrants are polluting your sacred land.

Baby Responds to Sound

2012-01-18T22:58:00.003-05:00

So, I shouldn't actually do the Kuato Index right? I'm pretty sure if I actually did it I'd end up on the local news for being a total scumbag.

I have limits I guess. I want to though. I think that's just as bad.

For all you sensy types out there just remember that 95% of the Cart is tongue-in-cheek.

Strange Movies and Shows - Total Recall

2012-01-18T00:03:00.001-05:00

How the hell did I go this long without including Total Recall on this list?! Frankly Cart'ers, I blame you, at least in part. I mean where were you on this one? Damn it! I'm so disappointed in you. Go stand in the corner and think about what you've done. And then after that finish reading this post.

So Total Recall was awesome in my humble opinion. At has all the makings of a Hollywood blockbuster. Ya got Arnold doin his version of acting which we all just accept for some reason. We got Sharon Stone doing the Sharon Stone thing which is being a conniving bitch. Well done there. We got Sci-Fi (no Sci-Fi), we got gratuitous nudity courtesy of the now famous three boobed prostitute (boobed is pronounced boo-BED fyi). We've got plot twists, futuristic toys and scenes, and an epic action packed ending which I won't spoil for you....no wait, it's not possible that you haven't seen Total Recall. It sits squarely behind Shawshank as the most broadcast movie on TNT/TBS/USA/FX of all time (reference material on this fact can be found up my ass).

Please view the following picture to reference as I deliver a Bolzy original concept.

Ok Kuato is supposed to look like the ugliest baby/old man you've ever seen. Benjamin Button couldn't hold a candle to Kuato. However, in my twisted mind, I think most newborns look roughly the same as Kuato shortly after birth. So here's what I'm thinking. There should be a scale called the Kuato Index where Kuato is neutral and identified with a 7. A 14 is a new born that looks way better than Kuato and a 1 is a newborn that makes Kuato look like he might score a modeling contract with Baby Gap.

Actually, I want to expand on that a bit. Wouldn't it be awesome if you were surfing the ol' boobeb tube and you stumbled across a Baby Gap commercial and there's Kuato strutting his stuff showing off the new Spring line. He's all pissed off and slimy, male pattern baldness in full glory. Shit I might appreciate the levity and go buy some over-alls or maybe a onsy. OH! I got another one. How bout a onesy with a picture of Kuato on it that just says "I'm cuter than Kuato and you know it". Hell, I think you could make a whole line of clothes called the "Cuter Than Kuato Line". Get me that shirt and you've got a friend for life.

Budget: 50 Mil
Gross: 261 Mil - Well done Kuato, well done.

Check out the other Strange Movies and Shows below:

1. The Dark Crystal
2. Return to Oz
3. Legend
4. The Warriors
5. Short Circuit
6. Flight of the Navigator
7. Batteries Not Included
8. The Labrynth
9. Last Action Hero
10. Little Shop of Horrors
11. Enemy Mine
12. The Running Man
13. Throw Mama From The Train
14. The Adventures of Buckoroo Banzai Across the 8th Dimension
15. Nothing But Trouble
16. Mac n Me
17. Xena: Warrior Princess
18: Moonrise Kingdom

Set Your DVRs!! - Southland on TNT

2012-01-16T23:30:00.000-05:00

Since TNT has decided to bombard me with Southland promos during the Celtics game tonight, I figured I would do the post tonight while it's fresh on my mind even though the premier isn't until tomorrow (TNT 10:00 PM EST).

Great cast, some home town favorites including my personal favorite female on television Regina King. Not because she's great but because she's so underrated it's not even funny. Also she may be the best looking actress in her division. (D4: Over 40) Also, we Carters enjoy Shawn Hatosy (aka Tim Dunphy aka Dildo)
as well as Michael Cudlitz who won me over in Band of Brothers as Sargent Denver 'Bull' Randleman. Also worth noting with regards to Michael Cudlitz is his part on The Negotiator. A small but pivotal role as they say.

Nailed It

2012-01-16T21:42:00.000-05:00

From the LA Times: Claire Danes of “Homeland” won the Golden Globe award for best performance by an actress in a television series — drama. Danes beat Mireille Enos of “The Killing,” Julianna Margulies of “The Good Wife,” Madeleine Stowe of “Revenge” and Callie Thorne of “Necessary Roughness” for the award.

Danes plays Carrie Mathis, a CIA agent, in this freshman thriller from Showtime. Her character is convinced that an American Marine returning after years as a POW in Iraq is a terrorist. Danes previously won a Golden Globe in this category as a teenager for her role in “My So-Called Life” and last year won the best actress in a miniseries or made-for-TV movie category for her starring role in “Temple Grandin.”

Memba when I said Claire Danes deserves an award for her role in Homeland? No? Well, I do. I have to say though, going up against Mireille Enos of "The Killing" probably helped her odds quite a bit. Mireille Enos was about as interesting as a bannister.

The Kooks Covers

2012-01-15T15:36:00.004-05:00

Here's The Kooks covering MGMT's Kids and then Foster The People's Pumped Up Kicks. Enjoy (if you like The Kooks that is).

Strange Movies and Shows - Moonrise Kingdom

2012-01-13T21:49:00.000-05:00

Finally!!! A new SMAS!!

No, I haven't even see this yet but fear not, it will qualify, no question.

Cast includes Bruce Willis, Bill Murray, Frances McDormand, Ed Norton, Tilda Swinton, Jason Schwartzman (obviously, dude is in every weirdo production since 1998), and Harvey Keitel

Budget: You knows
Gross: Not even out yet

Check out the other Strange Movies and Shows below:

1. The Dark Crystal
2. Return to Oz
3. Legend
4. The Warriors
5. Short Circuit
6. Flight of the Navigator
7. Batteries Not Included
8. The Labrynth
9. Last Action Hero
10. Little Shop of Horrors
11. Enemy Mine
12. The Running Man
13. Throw Mama From The Train
14. The Adventures of Buckoroo Banzai Across the 8th Dimension
15. Nothing But Trouble
16. Mac n Me
17. Xena: Warrior Princess

Samsung Smart Window

2012-01-13T21:36:00.000-05:00

There are some logistical issues with this technology but I'm not here to poop on the party, it's pretty awesome. Whenever I see a cutting edge technology, I always have huge skepticism about its real world applicability but then sure enough, most of the stuff I see shows up in our regular routine. The first plasma tv's, iPad's, GPS, even DVR; these are some pretty incredible advancements. No reason to think the window in the kitchen won't be a see through touch screen in ten years or so.

Just don't let your kid through a baseball through it.

Also, this reporter is a freakin amateur.

Filling My Cat Quota

2012-01-08T21:28:00.002-05:00

A twist on the cute cat videos. Well done. If you can make me laugh in under 20 seconds you have my vote.

Geoff Stults

2012-01-08T21:17:00.001-05:00

Geoff Stults, who famously portrayed Eddie Latekka on ABC's October Road, has a new show coming out called The Finder. Basically, it's Monk but with a younger, cooler actor I guess. Although I don't know how you get cooler than Tony Shalhoub, Ted Levine and the Sedin brothers.

PBR Invitational at MSG

2012-01-06T15:43:00.000-05:00

In a rare twist, I'm posting something about myself. But I'll include a link that's mildly entertaining. Buzzfeed had a post today about the PBR Invitational at MSG this weekend. I'll be there. Here's the post

David Bowie Shout Out

2012-01-04T15:58:00.001-05:00

By The Way, Happy New Year

2012-01-03T21:41:00.002-05:00

Here's my new years resolutions.

More Reporter on Prompter Hate

2012-01-03T21:33:00.000-05:00

This is meteorologist Brian Niznanski getting 'Anchormaned'...

Couple thoughts here. Those two are involved in a very intimate way. No one can withstand the charm of ol' Brian Niznansky. No one. Not even Jenny Evans. Secondly, 'I love lamp?' That's the best they could do? That's the funniest but also benign thing they could think of?

Paul Pierce Against the Wizards

2012-01-02T22:19:00.003-05:00

At this point in the game, coming out of half time, the Celtics are losing to the woeful Washington Wizards. Does Paul seem worried? In the words of 2011 viral video super star, Chuck Testa, NOPE.

I think I'll Start Talking About the Celtics Now

2011-12-30T23:01:00.001-05:00

I haven't watched tonight's game yet, I'm about to start it but I wanted to put this out first. Once upon a time, this blog had some sort of sports theme to it but that quickly faded simply because the posts were too time consuming to write. I have to be really fired up about something to go on a sports related rant. However the Celtics are still in my wheel house if you'll allow that.

For anyone that doesn't know, I grew up hating basketball. I didn't get it, it looked like two teams running back and forth down the court and whoever scored last, won. Then I went to Providence College and watched every game. But once I left, it was too hard to follow them because they're barely televised, so I switched my obsession to the Celtics. Well, my timing was good, they were terrible for a few years and then the big Three trade happened and I got lucky.

Ok moving on, about this year. This how I see the season unfolding. It will be one of the following three outcomes.

1. Celtics keep losing and decide sometime around midseason to tank it and grab a big draft pick and sign one or two max contract guys in the off season.
2. They play average ball, make the playoffs and lose in the first round
3. They play above average but not championship level, execute a big trade, like Dwight Howard around mid season and go for the gold.

So what should we watch for in the first half?

1. Rondo's shooting percentage. So far, doesn't look like he attempted to improve his free throw shooting in the off season. Disappointing unless he spent that time improving his mid range jumper which could have happened, too early to tell just yet.
2. Jermaine ONeal. Can't believe I'm saying it but he's critical to success this season. But he's a long shot to be a consistently positive force out there on the floor. But without him, they're gonna suck.
3. STEIMSMA. Dude, this guy had 6 blocks in his first NBA appearance last game. This guy could be a major acquisition for us and a huge thumbs up to Danny. He may turn out to be the most interesting story line this season
4. Brandon Bass? Actually not so much, he's expected to fill the shoes of Glen Davis, that's it. That shouldn't be too hard.
5. Keyon Dooling. Back up point guard is an important role. He's gotta get with the program. Dribbling around aimlessly in the back court and then heaving three's is just about the opposite of pro basketball, at least Doc Rivers version. Dude, better shape up if we're going to contend.

If You Like Inception...

2011-12-30T22:43:00.002-05:00

Than you should watch this video, even though it's 42 minutes long.

I love Inception as it is well documented here at The Cart. And I love a good philosophical break down of a movie. My college philosophy professor spent an entire week breaking down Being John Malkovich and it made the entire course worth taking.

In fact, I would suggest watching Inception again, then watching this video. I didn't need to do that because Inception is actually my Shawshank. It's always on somewhere and it's my go-to movie when I got nothing else to watch.

Thank you Kyle Johnson from King's College, you are a credit to your people.

Two Brothers Do DVD Commentary on Their Own Home Video

2011-12-30T14:18:00.002-05:00

This is pretty damn funny.

I love the comments about the mom continuing to film even though it's her kids fighting each other. Like it's a cherished memory of their childhood that she had to capture.

FWP - It's An Awful Affliction...

2011-12-30T00:51:00.000-05:00

Careful, Danny Glover

2011-12-29T11:19:00.001-05:00

Danny Glover, aka, Childish Gambino on Conan

Danny I can't tell if you're making fun of Kanye West or if this is a serious effort. And that's not good for you. Com'n people, you can't tell me this is good?! I've blogged about Danny Glover before and I don't want to sound like I'm hating on him but let's just slow it down here. This isn't very good. Maybe some day but not yet bro.

The Internet is a Strange and Beautiful Place - Part IX

2011-12-28T23:51:00.003-05:00

Looks like Pau Gasol is taking a page from the Mullet Whistler's book with that expression on his face. Jesus.

Mike Rowe at QVC

2011-12-28T13:39:00.001-05:00

Here's Mike Rowe trying to make lava lamps interesting.

Anyone have a problem with Mike Rowe? I know I don't. I bet our parents like Bob Vila the same way my generation likes Mike Rowe. And in turn, I bet we think of Bob Vila as kinda of a old parental figure while the generation below us feels that way about Mike Rowe. Bah, too much Mike Rowe talk here.

Best Ad Ever?

2011-12-27T13:04:00.001-05:00

Dog Loves Jammin Out

2011-12-23T19:48:00.002-05:00

This pooch is groovin his ass off.

Good Guy Greg

2011-12-23T12:31:00.002-05:00

Just let me get through this meme phase and I'll be done with it. Just hang in there.

Reporter on Producer Hate

2011-12-22T20:17:00.002-05:00

This video is fair to average without that one millisecond clip of Henry DiCarlo walking off camera with the 'what the fuck' face. It's perfect. Also, those anchors handled it perfectly. They just rolled with it. Nice counter move.

Baby Reacts

2011-12-21T12:52:00.002-05:00

This kid got absolutely decked!

By a fist of sound. He's got a strong jaw though, took the hit and looked back like "You sonofabitch".

Alright, What About This One?

2011-12-21T00:32:00.001-05:00

This one is good. I think.

The Mullet Whistler Gets Dubbed

2011-12-20T12:54:00.000-05:00

Hilarity ensues. A must watch.

Also, for reference, here's the original.

Shit Girls Say Part 2

2011-12-19T22:25:00.001-05:00

Not as good as the first one as the novelty wears off but still freakishly accurate.

"I kinda want a hot dog." Love it. Unlike chicks, I kinda want a hot dog constantly. There is no time of the year, no time of the day when I don't kinda want a hot dog. In fact, I wish it were cool to carry a warm hot dog around with you all the time. Like you got your keys in your front pocket, your wallet in your back pocket, your phone is in your coat's left inside pocket and your hot dog is in your right jacket pocket. Instead of a flask or a cigarette case, you just have a hot dog in a metal cannister and it's totally normal to just bust out your hot dog in the middle of a meeting in conference room B or during a Christmas party or whatever. And people would be like "Aww dude, can I get some of that dog bro?" And you'd be like "Yeah fo sho, I got another one in the car."

Homeland Season Finale

2011-12-19T21:31:00.001-05:00

Here's a vid promoting the season Finale of Homeland which you either saw or you don't have Showtime so you don't need to watch it. After the break, I'll give you my take.

Homeland is a spin off of Showtime's original terrorist drama called Sleeper Cell, which was awesome.

Homeland is just as good in my opinion but the finale of season one wasn't great. However, what it did that Sleeper Cell didn't do, was include a continuation of the story line for season 2. In Sleeper Cell, everything just ended which was great for the story but of course, bad for business.

Even though I love Damian Lewis, aka Major Winters, he should have carried out the plot. I don't know how the show goes on without him but it would have been jaw dropping if it happened. A big part of the intrigue of Homeland, has been the idea that Damian Lewis' character Nick Brody would, at some point or another, execute a suicide bombing attack on his native country. Now that the suicide bomb thing has come and gone, it'll be interesting to see how the writers ensure that Brody possesses the ability to be a serious threat while maintaining a very public life as a Congressmen. If he's just pulling strings as a power broker, it'll be boring.

Also, a critical part of the terror plot in the finale involved Tom Walker killing Elizabeth Gaines causing enough chaos to allow Brody to pass through the metal detectors unchecked. I just want to point that the rifle used to kill Gaines would have passed through her, through the vice president and maybe stopped somewhere in the middle of the secret service agent behind him. And I don't know shit about guns either. But whatev, I'm picking nits here.

Lastly, Claire Danes should be in the conversation for whatever award they give to actresses that act well in tv shows. Tough role to play. The director was probably like, "Ok, this week you're on your meds, but next week, you're nuts. Make sure you give me normal face this week, and bat shit Bachmann face next week."

Batman Trailer

2011-12-19T20:52:00.000-05:00

Can't wait. Should be awesome. Except the scenes with Anne Hathaway, which could be bad enough to ruin the entire batman franchise. I mean so bad that a new federal agency is formed to collect all known copies of any batman movie or comic in history and burn them all.

Interview Interrupters

2011-12-17T20:19:00.001-05:00

Who do you think is better at interrupting interviews, camels or plastic bags?

I think I'd have to go with plastic bag. Even though the camel is way more persistent, the plastic bag is like "NO.STOP. STOP TALKING IMMEDIATELY". And I dig that.

Ok, Best One Yet

2011-12-16T12:04:00.003-05:00

If you're an alt-tab fan, you feel my pain, otherwise this is meaningless.

Pool Revolution

2011-12-15T20:59:00.002-05:00

Holy mac n cheese that's awesome. You know what they don't capture in this vid? How much less pool maintenance you'd have. Way less vacuuming, probably fewer chemicals with less light exposure, less algae, less filtering. Sign me up.

Extremely obnoxious audio btw.

Fine, I'll Do Another One

2011-12-15T19:49:00.002-05:00

One stinkin comment on that meme post? I have delusions of grandeur. I thought that was funny shit. Alright, here's another one after the break. This one is called sheltering mom and she's supposed to be a hypocritical suburbanite mother.

Also, here's a link to a good list of the top 40 memes of 2011.

My Very Own Meme

2011-12-14T22:23:00.001-05:00

So I decided to make a meme. For those who don't know what that is, click here to see what urban dictionary says about them. Basically I stumbled across the website that allows you to create the meme. It's called memegenerator.net.

I've always been a fan of the First World Problems Meme, so here it is after the break.

Talent Scout Shout Out....Maybe? - Time Flies Tuesday Under the Sea

2011-12-14T22:02:00.001-05:00

So here's youtube channel Time Flies Tuesday doing Under The Sea.

So this dude has 67 vids on his channel, most with over 100,000 hits. In the modern era of entertainment where the tv isn't the only place to get your fix, is this considered mainstream? My assumption is no, not yet anyway. I think the youngsters will make these youtube channels a massive success someday when they (the youngsters) have buying power, but they're not there yet. Anyway, all of that is a set up for this statement, this kid is gonna be big time (if you can make the argument that he isn't already). This style of music, where the artist can both sing and rap (I think they call that the HIP-HOP) is all the rage. I could see this dude, being huge someday.

Can You Tell What's Weird About This Video?

2011-12-14T00:37:00.000-05:00

Ok watch this one first and see if you can place it.

Did ya hear it? That dude taking the video sounds familiar doesn't he? Check out the video after the break.

Filling My Cat Quota Part III

2011-12-14T00:12:00.000-05:00

Cats with opposable thumbs! Ridiculous! But seriously, what if? Those shady bastards would become certifiable evil geniuses.

Sneaky Reporter on Reporter Hate

2011-12-14T00:07:00.000-05:00

Upon first view, I assumed the reporter was talking to the female anchor but actually he was talking to Aaron (not Erin), the anchor on the far right. So you know this is some passive aggressive reporter on reporter hate action. The reporter probably hates the Hoosers and hates Aaron so that's the old 1-2 punch. I like it.

Jimmy Kimmel Issues Another Prank on Kids

2011-12-14T00:00:00.000-05:00

This is pretty funny

I want to do this so bad. It kinda reminds me of the door test that Sonny tells Calogero about in A Bronx Tale. "If she reaches across the car and unlocks the door, she's a keeper". If your kid humors you and says he likes the shitty gift, he's a keeper, otherwise, dump 'em to the curve.

Boardwalk Finale

2011-12-12T23:08:00.001-05:00

If you watch Boardwalk Empire, than you know something insane happened in last night's season 2 finale. I'll put a page break here because there will be spoilers.

Rest in Peace James Edison Darmody (1897-1921). I can't believe they killed Jimmy. I've been thinking about it all day. I'm shocked, saddened, distraught, depressed, and down right disappointed. I loved the Michael Pitt's character. He was the main reason I watched the show. Pitt did a ridiculously good job portraying a very complicated and disturbed man who experienced the horrors of war, terrible injury, the cold blooded murder of his wife, power struggles, and worse than all, a sexual exchange with his own mother. That's no easy role to play.

I loved his character and he will be missed. Honestly, I hope the show will still be good. In my opinion I think Terence Winter under estimated his value to the show.

So I'm dying to know, is there anyone out there who watches this incredibly good show too? And if so, what'd ya think about the finale? What are they going to do with Darmody's mother and son? What will they do with his henchman with the mask?

I'm almost half hoping that Terence Winter jumps the shark and brings Darmody back to life in the season 3 opener through some medical miracle or something. It'd be worth it to me.

By the way, this guy is still in it. Told ya he'd last.

Rick Perry Campaign Ad

2011-12-12T22:41:00.004-05:00

Let me get your thoughts, is this a real campaign ad or is this Bad Lip Reading from the people at Funny or Die?

Because it's just so hard to tell the difference between the nonsense he spews in his real ads and this mock up.

Very Suspicious Indeed

2011-12-12T22:29:00.001-05:00

Man, who knows what's goin on in there. Probably has 15 check out lanes, only 1 is open.

Wing Suit Madness

2011-12-12T20:43:00.000-05:00

I feel like I've heard this song somewhere.

1:35 to to 1:41 is ridiculous. These wing suit guys are batshit. Also, I think these guys may be the ballsiest people on the planet.

Bear Trap

2011-12-12T15:33:00.001-05:00

Did I ever tell you I have a reoccurring dream that I'm being chased by a bear? One day, back when I was a wee little one, I was watching this dude on some nature show talking about how you're pretty much fucked if a bear decides he wants to eat you for brunch. Ever since then, I've had this nightmare that a bear is chasing me and there's nothing I can do to get away from him. Can't out run him, can't hide in a tree, playing dead doesn't work, can't scare him, obviously can't beat 'em, you're just screwed.

Anyway don't let this guy fool you, he'll do anything to eat you. Even wave all friendly back at you just to get close.

Yep, That's About Right

2011-12-12T15:30:00.001-05:00

Eating the chips at the end, priceless.

Massachusetts Divided By Stereotypes

2011-12-09T23:39:00.001-05:00

If you move somewhere knew, this should be the first map you get. Once you've got this down, you should be all right.

I saw one of these for Jersey too so here it is for all you Jersey cart fans out there.

5 Year Olds Face Off in Taekwondo

2011-12-09T20:19:00.001-05:00

These kids are RUTHLESS! This is outrageous. And you wonder where all the violence and crime comes from.

One Word: Phenom

2011-12-07T16:17:00.001-05:00

I saw this going viral a couple days ago and I've been ignoring it because I thought the description made it predictable. But I was wrong

.

Could not have predicted those whistling faces. Good stuff.

Rondo, Chris Paul Trade Rumors

2011-12-07T15:35:00.001-05:00

Zack Lowe at SI.com: Rajon Rondo is 25 years old, an NBA champion, a two-time All-Star and a three-time All-Defensive team selection. He’s also set to make $46 million over the next four seasons, one of the league’s best bang-for-the-buck non-rookie contracts. And yet, the Celtics are reportedly trying like mad to trade him for Chris Paul, possibly even offering Rondo to Golden State for Stephen Curry in order to flip Curry to the Hornets for Paul, according to Tim Kawakami of the San Jose Mercury News.

Paul is 26, but he’s missing at least part of the piece of cartilage that is supposed to provide crucial cushioning in his left knee. He will be paid about $6 million more than Rondo this season, making for a salary swap that would send Boston well into the luxury tax, and he can become a free agent after this season.

The fact that Boston is doing this seems remarkable, even if it’s obvious that Paul is the better player. Rondo is still a young All-Star, skilled on both sides of the court, and you just don’t see teams sending those players flying around the league for other guys who might be gone in six months. Why risk it?

Boston’s interest in Paul stems from having an offense that has gotten worse in each of the last three seasons, a decline that figures to continue as Paul Pierce, Ray Allen and Kevin Garnett get a year older and the Celtics find themselves unable to compete in free agency. Boston was an elite offense as recently as 2008-09, when it ranked sixth in points per possession, even though Garnett played just four games after mid-February. The Celtics fell to 15th in 2009-10, undone in Game 7 of the Finals against the Lakers by the sort of prolonged scoring droughts that killed them all season. They finished 18th in points per possession last season, too low to seriously contend for a championship.

Check out the advanced numbers for Pierce, Allen and Garnett, and you’ll see a general trend: They rely more and more on teammate assists to get their buckets. The percentage of Pierce and Allen baskets that come via assists has increased in each of the last four seasons, per Hoopdata. The equivalent number for Garnett jumped dramatically in 2008-09 and 2009-10 before falling a tick last season, when Rondo, the Celtics’ primary distributor, missed major time because of injury. Some of this was inevitable, due to both age and the coming together of stars who used to do much more heavy lifting on their own. Some of it is due to Rondo, one of the game’s great passers, a wizard at finding angles no one else can.

Boston’s Plan A on offense is Rondo passing the ball to great shooters. But NBA teams can stop Plan A quite often, and as Boston’s Big Three lose their ability to create one-on-one, there is really no Plan B. Rondo was supposed to be that Plan B, but he is an unwilling and inaccurate shooter who does not get to the foul line. Plan B has too often turned into an engine stall, with teams mucking up Boston’s spacing by going under screens on Rondo pick-and-rolls, playing several feet off him when he has the ball and ignoring him when he finally gives it up. The Celtics have figured out clever ways to beat these strategies, and Rondo has improved as an off-the-ball lurker along the baseline, but these tricks require so much effort while producing a below-average scoring punch.

On plays Rondo finished via a shot, drawn foul or turnover (a database that is admittedly unfair to a pass-first player) last season, he averaged 0.81 points per possession, a mark that ranked 421st in the league, according to Synergy Sports. You’d be forgiven for being surprised that so many different players even saw the court last season. Even as that number discounts Rondo’s splendid passing, it’s still indicative of a player, and a team, that might struggle to create a Plan B.

Rondo has played his role beautifully, but the Celtics sense they need an actor capable of playing a different role — both this season and going forward, when Rondo was set to be the team’s foundational piece. Paul isn’t just a good shooter; he’s nearing Steve Nash-like levels, both from the three-point arc and from mid-range, and he reminded the world during the Hornets’ first-round series against the Lakers that he is capable of creating an efficient offense all by himself. There are no spacing problems when Paul is your point guard; he creates spacing problems for the other team. The Hornets’ other four starters last season were Emeka Okafor, Trevor Ariza, David West and Marco Belinelli, and they averaged precisely the same number of points per possession as Boston.

Place Paul alongside Pierce, Allen and Garnett, and I’d put good money on Boston’s offense moving back into the top 10 — and getting even better, relative to competition and pace, during the playoffs.

There is obviously risk here for Boston, and it goes beyond Paul’s reluctance to agree in advance to an extension or a new contract. Rondo’s a fantastic player, one of the top 20 or 30 guys in the league. Losing him in his prime hurts and tears at the fabric of a proud team. Landing Paul would likely involve Boston sending Glen Davis or Jeff Green to the Hornets or a third team. Green and Davis aren’t close to being All-Stars, but with Boston far over the salary cap and desperate for able bodies, the ability to re-sign its own players (via Larry Bird Rights) would be an especially crucial roster-building tool. The Celtics are already so close to the luxury tax as to take the full mid-level exception off the table; swapping Rondo for Paul takes them over the tax line and makes it official, limiting Boston to only the “mini” mid-level and the veteran’s minimum.

Another note on risk: Paul is not signing an immediate extension regardless of where he goes. The new CBA makes signing an extension — in New Orleans or anywhere — a far less lucrative move than simply becoming a free agent and re-signing with whatever team has Paul last. That club can sign Paul to a max deal for five years and $100 million, compared to the four years and $74 million a rival suitor can offer, and the Celtics — like any other team that gets Paul — will be counting on that difference being enough to sway him. Boston is also set to have major cap room next summer with either Rondo or Paul aboard, allowing Danny Ainge to tempt Paul with the possibility of signing Dwight Howard.

That’s a risk, too, because Howard will be eligible for the same $100 million extension from either the Magic or whichever team trades for him between now and then. Lots of things could go badly for Boston if it deals Rondo for Paul. But Paul is precisely the sort of player for whom you take these risks. He’s the discontented star for whom you keep in reserve All-NBA-level players who, for some reason, don’t quite earn All-NBA-level salaries.

Rondo’s fantastic, but the fact that Boston has him on the block so aggressively for Paul shouldn’t be a shock.

________________________________________________________________________________

This is pretty much everything you need to know about the Rondo trade rumors. Early in Rondo's career, he was the future of the Celtics organization. A super talented, hard working, competitive point guard. I remember watching Rondo his first year, he was like the Tasmanian devil, he was all over the place. He looked like he hadn't listened to a word of coaching since he'd been drafted. But still, very talented and clearly he wanted to win every game. But he matured, players and coaches around him made him better and he turned into a top 30 NBA player. EXCEPT, he can't shoot. The only position in basketball where this can be mitigated by other skills is center. It doesn't work at guard. Danny Ainge doesn't want to trade Rondo but there's an exceptional point guard on the market in Chris Paul and the opportunity to get a guy like that only happens once every few years or maybe longer.

I love Rondo, he's a dynamic player and fun to watch but his weakness is exploited by every other competitive team out there and it translates into a short season. Get Chris Paul, Danny. I'm one of the 40 or 50 people in New England that watch all the games so do it for me, I represent a good chunk of the viewing audience. If you get Chris Paul, I'll even watch some commercials. I promise. Oh and then get a center. Yeah, we have no center either which could be a problem.

Blagojevich Gets 14 Years

2011-12-07T14:38:00.001-05:00

From the AP: Rod Blagojevich, the ousted Illinois governor whose three-year battle against criminal charges became a national spectacle, was sentenced to 14 years in prison Wednesday, one of the stiffest penalties imposed for corruption in a state with a history of crooked politics.

Among his 18 convictions is the explosive charge that he tried to leverage his power to appoint someone to President Barack Obama's vacated Senate seat in exchange for campaign cash or land a high-paying job.

Judge James Zagel gave Blagojevich some credit for taking responsibility for his actions - which the former governor did in an address to the court earlier in the day - but said that didn't mitigate his crimes. Zagel also said Blagojevich did good things for people as governor, but was more concerned about using his powers for himself.

"When it is the governor who goes bad, the fabric of Illinois is torn and disfigured and not easily repaired," Zagel said.

As the judge announced the sentence, Blagojevich hunched forward and his face appeared frozen. Minutes later, his wife, Patti Blagojevich, stood up and fell into her husband's arms. He pulled back to brush tears off her cheek and then rubbed her shoulders.

The twice-elected Democrat received by far the harshest sentence among the four Illinois governors sent to prison in the last four decades. He is the second in a row to go to prison; his Republican predecessor, George Ryan, currently is serving 6 1/2 years. The other two got three years or less.

_______________________________________________________________________________

Ouch, 14 years. I thought it was the American way to abuse your political power for money. Not even kidding about that. Why the hell else would you go into politics? Politics in America is defined as follows. Using law to force business to funnel money into your own bank account. So having said that, Blagojevich didn't get 14 years for corrupt political practice, he got 14 years for being dumb enough to get caught.

And how bout that last part, 4 Illinois governors in the lat 40 years have been sentenced to prison time. It's amazing how low the standard is for the people with the most power.

Introducing Twine

2011-12-06T23:14:00.001-05:00

Can it blog? Can it freakin blog for me?! NO! So it's useless. Ser though, I've been saying this was coming for awhile now. Remember the Nest thermostat? I said it then and actually, I didn't expect to see another development so soon. But here we are folks, at the edge of complete integration. Your phone will literally act as an extension of your brain, operating everything in your surroundings. Next step, integrate the phone to your body. You know it's coming. Before you know it, your alarm clock will go off in your head, you'll turn the shower on with a thought, get your coffee brewin, your bread toasting and your car warming up in the driveway without so much as a touch on a touch screen. Looks like I'll be hitting the cerebral snooze button a few extra times in the morning (geekiest sentence I've ever written).

And also, for good measure, No Sci-Fi.

Under the Boardwalk

2011-12-06T22:03:00.001-05:00

The best 5 second films video was the compilation I posted a little while back. Something about viewing them all back to back made them funnier.

These guys get it. The internet is all about quick and funny. And obviously 5 second films takes that to heart.

Street Skiing in BC, Canada

2011-12-06T21:34:00.001-05:00

Watch the first :15 to :20 seconds or so and skip to 2:00 minutes. Pretty cool vid.

I'd probably just go to a ski resort, fewer obstacles. Seriously though, what's more dangerous, skiing down the side of a small town or slope flying down the side of a mountain and landing softly on a country road?

Japanese Robot Girl

2011-12-05T22:19:00.001-05:00

Not sure why she has to make so many rude faces. She seems like kind of a bitch to me. A simple 'thank you weird Japanese people for creating me' will do.

Cain Pain

2011-12-01T20:47:00.001-05:00

From The Daily Beast: It now seems difficult to believe that Herman Cain, who once wrote a motivational book called CEO of Self: You’re in Charge, once ran a profitable pizza parlor, let alone a chain with hundreds of outlets. Cain’s campaign has been incompetent, all right. But that hasn’t been his core problem. That has been his vanity, which is of Brobdingnagian proportions, and his downfall serves conservatives right, because the only reason they embraced this buffoonish peacock in the first place was his race.

There have been two standard lines on Cain among the smart set. The first was that he wasn’t really running for president—he was running to increase sales of This Is Herman Cain!, his new book, and to jack up future speaking fees. The second has been the incompetence meme, a case made at length byPolitico on Monday. The first assessment is plainly untrue, and the second is true but secondary.

Go read This Is Herman Cain!, as I did. Or better yet for both of us, go read my review of it in the current issue of The New York Review of Books, where we got it published just in the nick of time before the sausage grinder swallows him up for good. That book, it’s clear from page one, is not the product of a man who wasn’t serious about his candidacy. He thought that thepresidency was his destiny. Actually, I wouldn’t be shocked if he still thinks it. I know—this makes no sense. But trust me. He believes he was called.

The incompetence charge is real, and it’s tempting to think that it was ineptitude, or maybe stupidity or naiveté about the political process, that enabled him to announce a presidential candidacy thinking that the Ginger White story and all these other allegations would not come out. But it was none of those things. It was his astonishing narcissism. Let’s quickly allow for the fact that maybe Cain is telling the truth, and that he called and texted White’s cellphone 61 times in four months because he was “trying to help her financially.” OK; allowed. But now let’s contemplate what is probably the case, that White is telling the truth. If she is, then Cain cut off the affair just eight months ago, right before he began running. That’s not ineptitude. That’s just chutzpah.

It’s the chutzpah of a man who thinks, as all these Tea Party people seem to think, that he did everything himself in life. Cain was born and raised in Atlanta and was a teenager during the early 1960s, when historic and dramatic civil-rights events roiled that city. You’d think he’d be aware that those events had some impact on his life. But if he thinks that, he sure doesn’t say so in his book. He was “too young to participate” in the Freedom Rides and didn’t go downtown to any sit-ins. So therefore, if he didn’t have any direct involvement, he writes that it basically had nothing to do with him. Obviously, that movement gave him opportunities he never would have had otherwise. The historical ignorance is jaw-dropping, and it’s exactly the kind of ignorance that leads to arrogance, a feeling that he can do no wrong.

Cain is too self-absorbed to see that he made it as far as he did only because he is black. Conservatives and Tea Partiers are desperate to prove they’re not racists. A white man with Herman Cain’s exact experience and résumé would have been respected by conservative voters but probably would never have cracked 12 percent or so. But a black man! And one who denounced Harry Belafonte and Cornel West to boot! Cain was never more than an instrument of right-wing self-satisfaction and a useful idiot for the Koch brothers, who took a shine to his candidacy and helped promote it by sometimes paying him for speaking gigs around the country through the Americans for Prosperity organization. But Cain never bothered to learn much about policy and government. This usually isn’t a liability on the right, but his Libya meltdown was too much even for conservatives.

I only wish he could have held on longer. Contemporary conservatism is so fundamentally about rage against liberal society that GOP voters might well have nominated this man (remember, before these allegations struck, he was soaring). Cain could have been the nominee, and then been hit with the sex stories, and then said something on videotape to indicate that he hadn’t the foggiest idea where Libya was or what had just happened there. That really would have served conservatives right, to have been stuck with this haughty horse’s ass as their nominee just to score a point against Barack Obama and the white liberals who backed him. But even with Cain gone, I happily invite conservatives to continue to see the upcoming election as a revenge fantasy, which will only ensure that they won’t have the satisfaction of fulfilling it.

_______________________________________________________________________________

Aside from using the word brobdingnagian, good stuff. I'm not nearly talented enough to write something that justifies how insufferable this whole Herman Cain thing is. It's not just him that bothers me, it's the republican party's support, its the people's support, it's the legitimizing him by the media and the debate people, it's the fact that he is completely unqualified. There is literally nothing, not one God damn thing in the sphere that is Herman Cain that makes any sense at all. This guy is so bad for planet earth it actually gives me anxiety. I have never felt real nervousness about a person obtaining power than this dude. Not even Bachmann. That's all I can say really. I could try to explain it but it's so insane I don't even think the sentences would make sense. That's how crazy this is, the sentences wouldn't make sense.

Moves Like Jagger

2011-11-30T23:07:00.001-05:00

I'm 100% certain this is what I look like on the dance floor and 95% certain this is why people ask me to come dance on the dance floor at weddings and shit. It's not for the communal enjoyment of dancing but rather to be entertained by my ineptitude. Done.

Vacuum Boy

2011-11-30T22:59:00.001-05:00

Umm, BULLSHIT. Can I just call bullshit here? Yeah, 12 year old Kyle, out of now where, developed an obsession over fuckin vacuum cleaners. Hey Randall, maybe when he played with a vacuum when he was 3, you shouldn't have taken that as a sign that he was an avid enthusiast. If pushing something that moves is a sign of obsession, my son would be collecting chairs, foot stools, strollers, dads, moms, doors, vacuums, tricycles, toys, books, hampers, baskets, boxes, shoes, slippers, trash cans, speakers, fuck it, everything.

Kids his age don't become this way without an enabler.

Not that there's anything wrong with collecting vacuums, except everything.

Incredible how much vile hatred I see on the internet and this is the thing that gets me fired up.

Cool Tree Fort

2011-11-29T19:40:00.001-05:00

They couldn't take the ladder off for the picture? Otherwise, spectacular obviously.

Bear Hugs

2011-11-28T21:06:00.001-05:00

Damn it!!! I want to teach a class called the Internet is a Strange and Beautiful place 101. Our society crumbles when virals stop edging each other out. When virals have peeked, it's all over. Until then, you've got ones like these that knock your socks off in 90 seconds flat. Incredible.

Invisible Mouse

2011-11-26T21:16:00.001-05:00

This is one of those brain teaser videos. Kinda crazy

The Internet is a Strange and Beautiful Place - Part VIII

2011-11-26T20:41:00.001-05:00

As is well documented, anything over 2 minutes is probably not good. But there are exceptions which is also well documented.

First I really liked this song. I'm not sure if I'm not supposed to or what. I thought this was really funny though, laughed out loud around 1:35, 2:15, 2:27. I later watched the 'making of' of this video and it kinda ruined it for me. It's 3 more minutes of those two chicks whining about cold water.

Chevy Commercial

2011-11-25T00:56:00.001-05:00

I absolutely love this commercial. This is one of the most effective commercials I've seen in a long time. Why? Because the father is either an award winning actor or the scene is authentic. I happen to think the scene is authentic. Not only because I know how I would feel if my kids brought me a refurbushed Nissan 200SX, which was mine (and mostly my brothers) car that we first fell in love with. But also because it would be terribly difficult to attain this car and I too would be completely floored at the sight of it. In fact, if I heard it coming like this father does, I would turn and look in awe of it as well. Tremendous work by the ad wizards at Chevy, this campaign will definitely speak to people. The ultimate challenge for Chevy will be turning this nostalgia into sales of cars that are far inferior to what they were making back in the day when their cars where freakin awesome.

I Have an Intruder

2011-11-25T00:26:00.001-05:00

I just want to put this out there because I don't know what's going on lately. I know for a fact I've been posting the correct videos for these posts. Yet, they're showing up the next day all fucked up and out of order. This is what I know, my gmail account, complements of google, is connected to this blog. My gmail account has been hacked several times over the last few weeks. I think this is tied to the video scrambling that's been going on lately. I don't know how to resolve it, I don't know who's doing it. I just know it ain't me. So my apologies. I've changed the password several times but that doesn't seem to be fixing it. The password is LDDGKNSFKh4324 yet the hackers know what it is even though I've been wicked secretive about it. Usually I just go around telling people my password but ever since I had problems I 've been super secretive. Seriously though, what the fuck? I feel like Ernesto Esobedo and his stolen money (you have no idea how long I've been waiting to post this video).

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SEMO Duck Dumper

2011-11-23T13:39:00.001-05:00

Woh, woh, woh, back up. Did she say the conservation agent's name is Russell Duckworth? I....I'm speechless.

Check Out This YouTube Channel

2011-11-22T21:41:00.001-05:00

So this dude does a 'home made' cooking show on YouTube called Rivestaurant. It's just a real cut and dry, no bullshit cooking show, presumably aimed towards dudes. If Giada and Ina Garten's cozy family moments nauseate you as much as they do me, this might be the cooking show for you.

Donald Glover from Community

2011-11-22T21:30:00.001-05:00

Donald Glover is pretty funny. ETA to rom-com, 6 months. ETA to ensemble crime caper, 1 year. ETA to hosting SNL, 1.5 years. ETA to HBO special, 2.5 years. ETA to Hollywood scandal, 3 years. ETA to dead career, 5 years. Save your money Donny.

I kid, I kid, I like this dude, just don't screw it up.

Javalin Strike

2011-11-21T20:42:00.001-05:00

Check out this insane video of a soldier shooting a javalin.

Ok I laughed out loud, good stuff. Then at :11 seconds I heard TI start laughing and two worlds collided. I was like..

.

How is this happening? Is TI in a war zone somewhere? My viral video world is a sacred place where strange and beautiful things happen in other places to other people. The real world and the viral world are separate and they do not cross over, unless you are the subject of a viral in which case you're famous for something foolish.

Anyway, TI, that's your laugh.

Puppy Loose on the Freeway, Must Watch

2011-11-19T15:45:00.001-05:00

If there was ever a video that needed music dubbed in, it's this one.

Herman Cain Tops Himself

2011-11-17T21:38:00.001-05:00

I love it when the MMS writes itself.

Door to Door Salesman

2011-11-16T22:23:00.001-05:00

Warning, 7 minute video.

This may be the most significant video I've seen in years. But probably only to me. As a fellow salesman, I respect and admire this guy. Assuming it's authentic, this is some good salesmanship.

1. Every objection was handled without a seconds hesitation. An indication of experience, practice and preparation. That 'don't panic, it's organic' line is an absolute rain maker. I'm gonna use that and my shit has nothing to do with organic'ness.
2. Engaged, asked questions. Most people would agree the sale is made when they're talking
3. Demonstrate. Need I say more.
4. Close. 7:05 CLOSE. "Could you get it [the money] RIGHT NOW"

Having said all that, a couple tweaks. He had the sale at 3:05, the moment she asked 'how much does it cost?'. If you're not a salesman, you may not get this but trust me, that's the moment. Go with the flow bro, you risked losing that sale by not answering the question and closing right then. You could have talked her right out of it. Also, the moment she asked how much, you should have switched the pitch to her instead of him. She was the decision maker.

But all in all, fabulous. If I were watching this with a couple colleagues, we could talk about it all day.

Jeff Goldblum on Conan

2011-11-16T22:00:00.001-05:00

Great clip from Conan, warning it's 10 minutes long.

Couple comments here, first Jeff Goldblum is one of a kind. I'm sure the nail clipping thing was set up and still, it's awesome. A bazillion celebrity interviews on Late Night shows and I can't remember one this unique, this original. Also, a quick baseless accusation. Jeff Goldblum is the only one on that stage that wasn't taking HGH. If you don't already know, I firmly believe that the entirety of Hollywood is taking HGH and you can tell because they're heads are gigantic. Look at Goldblum's head next to Conan and the other dude.

Herman Cain on Libya

2011-11-16T21:08:00.001-05:00

This is an SNL spoof of a Republican candidate trying to provide his opinion on Libya.

Just kidding, it's real. Dead serious here, I am 1000 times better at spewing bull shit than this dude. You could ask me "What is your opinion on President Hoggleypoggley's approach to the rebellion in Fubbdeewubbdee and the eventual assassination of Prince Slut Bunwalla?" and I'd give you a better, more believable answer. In fact, I'll give you his shitty answer and make it awesome.

"Well, President Hoggleypoggley had a difficult decision to make with limited intel so suffice it to say that he did what he felt was in the best interest of the party. However Prince Slut Bunwalla had his dissenters and they made themselves known during the Fubbdeewubbdee rebellion. In retrospect, I would have attempted to acquire more information and less time but as we know hind sight is 20-20."

Vote for Bolzy. (it took me 20 minutes to craft that)

A Peek Inside A World Held Private for too Long

2011-11-14T23:17:00.001-05:00

Ya know, I had always wondered what it looks like inside a running dishwasher. As a point of fact, I came across something like this awhile back so I've had my cherry popped but for you newbs out there, enjoy.

ps: I think this post exemplifies our mission statement perfectly. Irrelevant and mindless chatter.

The Interweb is a Strange and Beautiful Place Part VII

2011-11-14T23:08:00.001-05:00

Freakin Russian. What are they dancing for? I bet they're psyched that their nuclear power plant is not the last plant to meltdown anymore. Daiichi, I hand the reigns over to you. And yes this is an old out-dated reference.

Photography Quiz Part 3

2011-11-14T22:32:00.001-05:00

Brutal night for blog posting, the interweb disappointeth. Anyway, in this installment, you must determine whether the person pictured with Brad Pitt is his brother or Zach Braffs brother. Go!

And the answer is after the break

Its.....its!......I'll tell ya later.